longing

You will never regret running. You might regret the words that were spoken before you moved away. You might regret the very investment in the first place. You might fear your unequivocal destination.

But if you decide to run, you won’t actually regret the beauty of how quickly your body can carry you away.

How swiftly your tears transform into sweat.

How quickly silly things swing into song once you realize you did nothing wrong.

 

Nothing is quite exhilarating or exploratory as an escape run. To release one energy field and run so fast that no other thing or being could possibly attach. All of a sudden you don’t have a whole community on your back, or a friend that needs your hand. 

All you have is, you. 

Your breath. 

Leading you, into you and out of you, faster than bonds can attack.

 

I wish I could go back to those days, when I’d let my feet carry me away. With only a backpack in my brain. All I had was you and me and the world. There wasn’t a place I couldn’t obtain.

 

Those days seem to have come and gone. 

Like something is clenching me back and won't let go.  

This fat old anchor of regrets and righteousness.

Or maybe it’s a fear disguised as a “knowing” that whatever went wrong will eventually come to a showing. 

 

“If this wasn’t a fatal attack , I’d have your back,” my subconscious says. Her disturbed way of “taming” our thoughts.

 

I breathe in and out. 

 

For a moment I wish we were 22 and I could believe in us, in you. But I know that’s not truly what I wish to do. 

What I want to do is confront the reality that I cannot help you, though I want to. 

That I cannot marry you, even though marrying is all I wanted to do. 

That I cannot shake hands and say thank you, without starting an attack. 

 

There is only forward. The part where time buries our childhood dreams. Not because we gave up on them….but because time beat us to them. 

 

And so maybe all there is left to do now is drift away. 

And maybe that is the new “thing” now. It seems more acceptable as we’ve aged. 

For your sake. 

 

I can already feel the confusion breaking my heart. 

Why did she leave me? Why? What did I do? 

As if you hadn’t a single clue. 

As if we weren’t living in a haze of blue. 

 

What do you do when your happy ending breaks another being in two?

How could I ever undo, what you do to you?